I’M A MIRACLE!
By Jordan, age 16, January 2012
I don’t think I can ever thank Jesus enough. I often feel like going outside and getting on my knees and thanking God because I’m a miracle. I didn’t think it could ever happen. My mom and sister thought I’d never be free. Now I am free and I can help other girls like me who were hurt.
After my first healing session, I went home and slept in my bed for the first time in 7 years! My sister said, “Somebody did something good to Jordan! This can’t be happening!”
You see, I was abused. I had a horrible childhood. I was terrified of everything. I couldn’t sleep in my bedroom for years. I was afraid that my biological dad would come and kill my mom and my sister. I was too afraid to sleep because I was afraid he would kill them. I couldn’t eat much either. My stomach hurt all the time. I couldn’t have a conversation with anyone. I always worried. I was so afraid of throwing up that I wouldn’t eat. I was 13 and couldn’t read. I had dyslexia (God healed me of that). I couldn’t shower until I was 11. My mom had to bathe me. I had tantrums and crying fits from 5 to 12 years old. I yelled a lot.
Now, through Jesus, I’m happy. I’ve got joy around me and in me! If I feel hurt or angry, Jesus is always with me and helps me.
I had a broken heart. I didn’t think anyone could help me—mom, teachers, pastor or even counselors. I used to pretend to be happy when really I was broken
and hurt inside. My insides screamed all the time. It was like a roller coaster inside. I thought about my past all of the time. I worried all of the time about everything. I was afraid of everything. Some kids at church wanted to be my friend but I was too terrified. I wanted friends, but I was just too scared so I didn’t have any friends.
It felt like no one understood how I felt or what was going on inside.
I’m surprised how much healing I’ve gotten. I’m a new person. I have a new life. I love to act. Just give me a script, some people and a play about Jesus and I could act all day long. I used to be too afraid to be in front of people, but not now.
For so many years, my mom and sister would tell me to forgive my dad. I felt like I had to do it. I was afraid that if I didn’t I would go to hell. That is where I was when I met Rhonda Calhoun. I thought she was an angel. I saw brightness coming out of her. She was so happy and loving. A few months later, I came to Backyard Bible Camp at Our Father’s Farm. I watched Rhonda and she didn’t worry about things even when they went wrong. She and her husband, Danny, let me live with them for 6 months so I could get healed. That was when I realized Rhonda was just a human being who had Jesus living inside of her.
I remember when I came to camp almost three years ago. I asked if I could talk with Rhonda alone. I wanted to forgive my dad, but I couldn’t do it. And I was so afraid that I would go to hell. I thought Rhonda was safe so I asked her how I could forgive him. She told me that God understood and He wanted to heal the pain that was keeping me from being able to forgive. She said that forgiveness isn’t a feeling but a choice and that I could choose to forgive him while I found healing for the pain. That’s what I did. I remember that day so clearly.
I also remember the day we were having a God encounter session where Jesus healed a very painful memory. Afterwards I saw Jesus kneeling in the memory with His hands and eyes looking up. Tears poured down His face and there was a puddle of tears in front of Him. I listened to what He was saying and realized that He was praying for my dad. That was the first time I knew that Jesus loved my dad. Something happened inside of me. When I was finally able to talk, I jumped up and shouted, “I forgive my dad! And I love my dad!” I couldn’t believe the freedom I felt or the joy. I knew God loved my dad even though he did some really bad things to me. That was 2 years ago (2009) when my whole life changed. Now I am able to bless my dad and pray for him. I pray for him a lot.
People ask me what I want to do with my life. I have a dream to see other girls who have been hurt encounter Jesus and say, “I didn’t know Jesus loved me so much!” I want to see that. I want to see God heal girls. I want to see those who can’t talk, talk. Those who can’t eat, eat. Those who can’t sleep, sleep. I want to see them be free from fear and worry and pain like me. I can give them hope because I went through it and now I have joy and love and peace. I would also like to live on the farm when I’m 18 and teach girls how to act in plays. I’d love to be a drama teacher.
Jordan’s Mom Tells Her Story
For about 2 years before my youngest daughter would turn 6 years old, I had a feeling that she was being molested by my Christian husband. She had too many symptoms of a molested child (being afraid of my husband and other men etc.) Nobody believed me when I spoke of it, not my friends, pastor’s wife, or even my licensed therapist. When my daughter, Jordan, finally told me on a Tuesday in February, I knew our lives would never be the same again. I would turn in my husband to the police and divorce him. We would need to go into a woman’s shelter to keep us from being killed or hurt. We were able to get an Order of Protection that we have to this day, to keep us safe.
I put myself and my two daughters into counseling. Her lead counselor told me Jordan had been very traumatized. The counselor felt that Jordan would be in and out of counseling for the rest of her life. He felt she would never marry and may not be able to even keep a job. I was hoping that since we were getting her into therapy now, we might be able to by-pass those hopeless statements.
For the first six months, Jordan wouldn’t even let me leave the room. This made living a nightmare. She would cry uncontrollably and frighten her sister who was just 2 years older than her. She would have anger attacks where she would throw objects, scream and cry for an hour or more. She would have several tantrums a day and nothing I tried calmed her down.
For 2 years I had to go into the bathroom with Jordan. She was too scared to go by herself and would scream that it hurt. We had tremendous problems at school with the bathroom. All the years she went to public school, she refused to use the bathroom and held it until she got home. That was because most of the molestation she endured occurred in the bathroom.
We also had problems with taking a bath. Unfortunately again, Jordan was molested in the shower. We made a rule in counseling that Jordan had to take a bath at least once a week. I can not tell you how much I dreaded bath day. For 4 years, it was a 2 hour ordeal. She screamed and cried, kicked me and even hit me, while I tried desperately to put her into the tub. Even after the bath, she would cry for an hour, saying things like “I feel icky all over”. The bathroom would always be a difficult thing for Jordan.
Jordan also couldn’t eat much food. She also complained constantly about her stomach hurting all the time. We tried Tums and Pepto-Bismol to help. I also took her to the doctor for this and they told me nothing was wrong with her stomach, but they felt it was pschycosymatic symptoms. A big, fancy word for when your emotional problems become so big that they affect your physical body. All we could do was buy pills.
Jordan also had difficulty with sleeping. This was sometimes the worst symptom she had. Jordan just couldn’t sleep very well, and she could NOT sleep alone. She had to sleep next to her sister in the same bed. Her sister endured so much in her life because of Jordan’s extreme distress. After Jordan’s sister turned 11 years old, she really wanted her privacy. Jordan would not sleep without her. Big tantrums would occur and nobody was getting much sleep. We tried a cot for a while, where she would sleep in my room or her sister’s room while sleeping in the cot. That did NOT work. Many nights Jordan would tell me she didn’t sleep at all. Her face looked whitish and she developed black circles under her eyes. I didn’t know what to do, because all this counseling (over 3 years at this clinic) was NOT working.
I often felt that it just gave us “band-aids” over the gapping wounds. It never fixed the problems or the root of the problems. It was just treating the symptoms and not really fixing the true underling issues. We tried all kinds of things from rewards for sleeping or eating or not having a tantrum, to punishment of no TV, but nothing really worked. We would have these strange goals for Jordan likes “Jordan will sleep once a week by her self” but she’d never made that goal. Or we’d have a goal of “Jordan will take a bath without having a tantrum”, which really didn’t happen either (not for many years).
The counseling didn’t really address some of the bigger problems Jordan had, mostly because we were trying to get her to function like a normal child. These were things like, her fear and mistrust of men. Also, she just had a tremendous amount of fear about everything. It seemed fear just controlled her every move. How do you take fear away as a parent? You just can’t. If I told you to stop being afraid or stop being nervous does that work?? NO! There are no magic words or actions to help someone overcome fear.
Then I heard a story that I hoped was really true. There was this woman on a farm in Missouri who God used to bring healing to a 6 year old child. The little girl had been molested and was afraid to be touched by anyone. Now, I knew exactly what it was like to be the parent of a 6 year old who didn’t want a hug, or their hair brushed, nothing. I knew that experience. What I didn’t know was that anyone could cure a child of that kind of fear. No matter what, I was going to meet this woman and I was going to talk to her about my Jordan. I hoped she would help me and my girls. I hoped this story was true.
Rhonda was going to speak to the women at my tiny church in my home town at a retreat. After the first night I cornered her before she left the room and told a brief story of my kids. She met with me the next day (and her entire staff of wonderful women who would later become my friends) and she helped me with my emotional problem of where was God when my child was being molested. Up to that point, I felt God must have been getting a manicure or sleeping, like He did in the in the boat during the storm, while Jordan was being molested. Deep down I knew that He wasn’t absent but, I just didn’t buy this “He was holding her hand while she was being molested by her nice, Christian dad.” I needed to know that God does more than just hold us through the rough moments in our lives. I need to know that He didn’t just sit there in the room of horror and watch these sadistic events!
Rhonda had me find Jesus in the room while my daughter was being tortured. Jesus wasn’t beside Jordan; (like a lot of well meaning, Christains had told me) He was inside her feeling everything she felt. My ex-husband wasn’t just molesting his little daughter, he was molesting Christ too. Somehow, that just made me feel better. I know it probably doesn’t make any sense to anyone, but it really worked for me. I knew that Jesus didn’t abandon my little girl in her time of need. He really was there for her. He knew exactly what she was going though. He felt all the shame and pain too. (Maybe He could do that because He went to the cross.) It just made me feel so much better.
So, the next day Rhonda came to our church and met my girls. She said that God had great plans for my girls. Nobody ever said that to my girls before. Everyone pretty much doesn’t say anything to my girls. She gave them some of the books she wrote and invited us to the farm.
After spending 3 weeks at the farm, Jordan could sleep by herself. I didn’t even say one thing to her. She didn’t cry or get scared or need a story. Nothing. I could have fainted there on the spot. My (new) husband and I were so surprised. I was NOT expecting this and I didn’t think it would happen so fast. A couple more weeks there on the farm, and Jordan could eat like a normal teenager, you know, eating tons of food and still not full. No more pills! Her stomach doesn’t bother her anymore. I didn’t see the dark circles or gaunt face anymore. It’s wonderful. It was really fast and not a “band-aid” over a wound. It was a real cure. Like, she had cancer and it was gone. Like, her leg was broken and we didn’t give her a wheel chair to get around (like the old therapy she had experienced). Her leg was healed and she could walk and run and play, like a normal person. It was fast. It was extraordinary.
Since we live very far from Our Father’s Farm is in Missouri, I couldn’t drive down everyday for her to receive the tons of help she’d need. Danny and Rhonda offered for Jordan to live with them so she could receive the healing she so desperately needed. I didn’t know if Jordan could be separated from me for that long, but I knew I must try this. We had such good success with just a couple of weeks of being on the farm. It would be very hard on me and many people I knew were against me doing this. I don’t care. I want my daughter healed.
After just 5 months, Jordan has changed a lot. She is more sure of herself. She has a lot more confidence. She now reads (she could barely read before). I didn’t quite know what to do about that because nothing was helping her with the reading, writing and math. I tried not to cry in front of Jordan when I’d hear her read, but I’m crying inside. It’s a real miracle to see her read. She’s still got a ways to go, but she’s way better than I could have imagined. Jordan is a different person.
Another change for Jordan is that she is ON FIRE FOR GOD! As Christian parents we all want that for our kids and we read tons of books on how to get our kids even interested in Christ. I don’t think I have to read anymore books on that subject. But, the fact that she loves God and has this wonderful relationship with Him is bigger than you can imagine. Jordan went through a 2 year period in her life where she didn’t believe in God. I couldn’t blame Jordan if she didn’t believe in God. I knew why she had problems with it. But, after a few months on the farm, Jordan has such a love for Jesus. She really tries to get our whole family to be on fire, like she is.
Jordan is also very bold now, not all the time, but she has these windows of boldness. She will share her story with other girls and even male adults. I wish you could have seen her share her story to total strangers. There was not a dry eye in the room, even the men cried. But, that’s a big deal to talk about molestation when men are in the audience. This is huge! Not too many people who have been molested would do that kind of a thing. But, this is the Jordan I was supposed to have. She was born a bold person. She was meant to be in front of a microphone. When she was too scared to sing a solo or even try out for a solo in choir, I thought“My ex-husband has taken so much of her away. This isn’t the child she was supposed to be.” I didn’t know how to fix such a thing. I figured it would never happen. But now, God has, and will still continue, to restore Jordan.
She isn’t completely healed yet but she has come a long way in less than a year. So many things are changing. I’m looking forward to more healing and wonder where will she be next year?? It’s like my child could only lay there on the floor, but now she doesn’t just walk, she’s flying like a bird. I didn’t think she could ever fly this high. Now, she can go places.