Thanks again for the great teaching a couple of weekends ago. I’m sorry I had to miss Tree of Life due to work, but I have been listening to the CDs and am about halfway through them. It’s been incredible so far…hard to put into words what all I’ve learned right now. My mind has been sufficiently put in its place though and that is a huge step for me. Anyway, looking forward to Advanced training next month…

Also, Tom wanted me to share one of my encounters I had since leaving the farm. A little setup first…I didn’t know what exactly was happening that whole weekend until I saw it in light of my experience. But, I literally cried almost those entire two days…it wasn’t boo-hoo’ing, but silent, steady streams of tears. We have a lot of common past traumas so at first I thought I was just emotional from hearing your story. But, I believe now that God switched my relational circuits back on for that weekend so I could receive all that was being taught in my spirit and not my mind. My biggest battle is my logical/analytical side – my emotions out of necessity have been pretty much shut down. While the last few months of healing has helped tremendously in a lot of areas…I seem to struggle with just feeling on an ongoing basis, which keeps things I know to be true to become ‘truth’ in my Spirit. So, feeling for two days straight was very bizarre, exhausting, confusing, etc… until I got home Sunday night.

I went out and sat in a rocking chair on the porch and just started rocking away. I suddenly felt so overwhelmed with gratitude for all that I had learned and felt that weekend and just started telling him about it and how grateful I was. And then I just started talking to him about where I was in my healing. I’ve felt on the verge of a pretty big breakthrough for awhile, but it just isn’t happening. I just poured out my heart and asked him to come meet and tell me what was going on. And what occurred was a very in-depth, live conversation (not that it was audible, b/c I’m a perceiver), but back and forth dialogue and he even spoke in third person to me…usually, when I hear him, it’s that still small voice that is in first person…almost could be my own thoughts/feelings in a way. But, this was completely different, he used my name and said ‘you’, ‘me’, etc…

I can’t remember everything that occurred and was gone w/ Him for over an hour. But, one of the things that had been bothering me is the fact that I was still smoking cigarettes. Part of me wanted too and part of me didn’t and the ‘didn’t’ part was really upsetting me b/c I couldn’t pinpoint why and it went in the face of the rest of my behaviors. I’ve always been a pretty healthy eater, exerciser, etc…

He told me that I believed lies about it and went on to list them all. All impacted me (thought I had to do it on my own, etc…), but the one that really killed me was that he said I believed that I was only hurting myself. And I said ‘well, I know my family/friends worry about me.’ And He said he meant that it hurts Him. And I was like ‘b/c my body is where you dwell?’. And he was like ‘No, Angie, it hurts me because it means that you don’t know how much I love you. If you did, you would love yourself too and you wouldn’t be willing or able to hurt yourself like that…’ Oh boy, that hurt me on a level I can’t really describe. The only thing that comes close was when he allowed me to witness Jesus on the cross during a healing session. Anyway, sufficiently convicted and balling my head off, I just told him how sorry I was and he led me through a self-deliverance of a lying spirit. And as if that wasn’t awesome enough…I told him I wanted to quit now (all of me) and needed his help and also told him the things I was afraid of (like failing). My cigarettes were sitting in my lap during all of this. He said he would do it for me if I got up right then in faith and obedience and threw the cigarettes in the trash. Not after having one last one, not in the morning…right then. He said if I did, he would pour out his grace and I would not struggle with it. There would be no cravings, no desire, no obsessive thoughts…it would be as if I never smoked. He said each time a thought came about smoking he would replace it with a good desire like prayer or something healthy like taking a walk. I agreed:) Holy Spirit hit me like a ton of bricks ( I could tell he was doing something major) and we just laughed together for about 30 minutes – and I mean, laugh as in deep belly laughter and it was soooo good. After that I got up and threw the smokes in the trash.

And I am happy to report that He has been most faithful. I have not had any craving, desire, obsessive thought since…no need for nicotine replacements. I have not started eating more or picked up any other nervous habit in its place. The hole that most people are trying to fill when they quit by something else like food is completely filled and sealed. I’ve quit on my own before so I know what it feels like to try and do that on your own. It’s miserable and brutal and a kind of mind battle that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It is truly as if I was never a smoker…woohoo! God is brilliantly spectacular and I am officially falling head over heels for Him.